Because of my first baby...

Today marks the 3 year anniversary of the day I found out I lost our first baby. Even typing that makes my eyes well up with tears as that was an unexplainably terrible time for me. I still remember every second of that day from knowing something was wrong, to driving to the hospital, and having my fears confirmed. I remember sitting in my doctor's office having to call Bobby and my Mom to tell them the impossible news. I remember the doctor telling me my options and walking down the hallway to have surgery. I remember my loving family trying to comfort me and feeling completely alone even when I had lots of people that were all there for me. I remember feeling like I wanted the world to stop for me to just grieve as much as I needed to. I remember my first day back at work and my first day back at church. And I remember feeling like I would never get over that feeling and that I would never be able to function normally again.

After 3 years, not only am I able to function normally, but I have been given so much from that experience. Instead of thinking it every second, sometimes I even go a week without remembering that time in my life. But, because of my first baby, I love on Thomas in such a way that he should never doubt what an important part of my life he is. I often tell Bobby that Thomas is the only thing I really feel like I do well. I certainly don't keep my house up like I would like, we go out to eat way too much instead of me fixing a home-cooked meal, I don't keep up with my friends nearly as much as I would like, etc, but Thomas has my heart during his waking hours. Not that I wouldn't love him to pieces anyway, but because of the experience of my first baby dying, I feel how fleeting life really is and what a miracle a healthy baby is.

So, Thomas already wants down from my arms when I pick him up to grab a quick hug and he would rather be pushing his truck. Sometimes he pushes my face away when I am stealing too many kisses. But other times he curls up on my lap and brings a book when he is tired or not feeling well, and when I pucker my lips up, he leans his forehead over to let me get a kiss! So, I will continue to hug and kiss him more than he wants and tell him a million times a day that I love him in an effort to stamp that on his heart. And one day I will tell him about our first baby that we will meet again one day and how, through that experience, we were able to have him... our precious Thomas Levi. We are all so proud of him!

Here are some random pics of our favorite guy...